The Bush Administration Makes Love To The Big Fat Intelligence Report

John D. Negroponte sat at his desk with the thick report sitting in front of him. There was a red Parker pen on the face page which Negroponte placed there as if to keep the report closed. He was irritated with the report. The report’s writers had concluded that the war in Iraq had emboldened terrorists from around the world because Iraq had made it crystal clear to everyone that the United States had limits, to put it mildly. Limits mean weakness, and it is that perceived weakness that makes everyone want to be a terrorist. So, the writers stated, the United States is dealing with a far more dangerous situation than it otherwise would have been if it had simply limited its reaction to September 11th to the Afghanistan War rather than expanding it to Iraq.

Politics is politics, and Negroponte had to deal with this problem that sat in front of him. Nancy Pelosi was already running at the mouth about how the report reflected a flawed foreign policy. Adn of course Harry Reid was vomiting some nonsense over in the Senate about Bush. But Pelosi and Reid were the least of the problems. Republicans were not happy as well, and they were starting to get uncomfortable. Thank god the price of oil had slipped below $60 per barrel. That last bit of news might just keep the upcoming November election from being a blood bath. If oil could just remain on a downward trend, all Negroponte had to do was come up with some kind of response to this damn intelligence report.

The thick report sat on his desk like a big fat white woman on a beach soaking up sun, holding the light, attracting attention. But that was the point, wasn’t it. The report was huge. It ran to over 500 pages. OK, so everyone reads the last few pages to learn the conclusions. No one reads the whole thing. Except he did. Negroponte did. And it was not pretty. But that is not the point. No one fucks the big fat woman on the beach, either. But Negroponte would fuck anyone for his President. Negroponte would do anything for President Bush. And so, if he told the public that the big fat white woman on the beach was a real peach in bed, that no one could possibly imagine how great a lover she was unless you tried her yourself, then, well, it becomes a fact. At a minimum, it becomes an opinion. And that was the point, wasn’t it. It was a matter of opinion. It was a matter of taste. And Negroponte just loves big fat white women, because he would be the only one would actually make love to that large white thing.

So here was the political solution. The Bush Administration would say that the report, that big fat report that sat in front of Negroponte, was a complex assembly of facts which defied any simple conclusions. That the writers being writers wanted to simplify things, and try to seem smart, and certainly Nancy Pelosi and that idiot Harry Reid in the Senate would simplify things, but that the Bush Administration was smarter than all of them. The Bush Administration was sober, and would read that big report like it was making love to that big fat woman on the beach, and would report back to the world the truth. That the report was filled with joy for Bush’s foreign policy. And they would have to believe it, because no one was going to read this report. No one. That big fat white woman on the beach would remain untouched by anyone except for John Negroponte. And therefore, everyone would have to take Negroponte’s word for it. She was great in bed.

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George Bush And Donald Rumsfeld Prefer Iraqi Chaos to Iraqi Democracy – Part Five

Continued From Yesterday.

“If Iraqis want security, then chaos will certainly not provide it,” said Rumsfeld.

“Would you say that there is already chaos in Iraq?” asked Bush.

“No. Iraq has significant problems, but chaos is not one of them,” said Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld knew this was a philosophical discussion. Afterall, a house full of kids can be chaotic. It is how you use the word. The word “chaos” was too general. Overused. And Rumsfeld was not about to admit that his military planning had led a nation into the chaos referred to by the President.

“Wrong. There is chaos in Iraq. Besides, the Iranians are starting to piss me off,” said Bush.

“Mr. President, I do not feel we should abandon our mission simply because the Iranians are making trouble,” said Rumsfeld. It is not like Rumsfeld had not had these very same thoughts. The Iranians were always annoying. A schizophrenic nation with modern-thinking people and religious fanatics. Unfortunately, the religious fanatics remained firmly in control of things. And now this nutcase Iranian president who was more of a nightmare than Hugo Chavez of Venezuela had grabbed the world stage with almost daily pronouncements. It was a sopa opera. Hugo Chavez was dismissible because his public remarks were so brazenly self-serving that he was mocked by most of the intelligentsia of Latin America. But the Iranian President spoke with some sense of sobriety with arguments that sometimes made sense. The guy even had the temerity to send out personal letters to Bush and Blair. Iran gave Rumsfeld a headache. Negotiating with the Iranians was like a Gordian knot, twisted with half logic and stalling tactics and then mixed with a recipe of hope to be dashed again with new demands. There was an old saying in the Middle East that the Israelis and the Iranians were the most difficult negotiators, and the Lebanese were the only ones who could mediate them. That was a very old saying given the current events. Though Rumsfeld admired Lebanese businessmen. They were smart and sensible and always hungered for finding common ground.

“Yoo hoo. Earth to Donald. Earth to Donald. Are you there” asked Bush.

“Sorry. I was…I was thinking about what you were saying. Maybe you are right. Maybe chaos is like the power of a screaming baby. Everyone runs around trying to deal with the screaming baby. It motivates everyone. We let the Sunnis and the Shia go at it with each other like a cockfight, as you say, then that screaming baby will be dealt with soon enough,” said Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld was sorry he said it. On some level, this was true. Maybe a nation had to go through a re-birth, and birth was painful, lethal at times.

“You agree?” asked Bush.

“Yes,” said Rumsfeld.

Bush looked down at the cockroach and it was gone. He pushed the chair back to see if he could spot the German cockroach. If there is one thing that was troubling, it was a cockroach roaming around underfoot. It could crawl up your pant legs, get into drawers. They were ugly sons of bitches.

“Anything wrong, sir?” asked Rumsfeld.

“No. No. Just making sure it’s safe,” said Bush.

“Safe, sir?” said Rumsfeld.

“Nothing. Listen, talk to your guys about pulling back to Kurdistan. The more chaos there is at the doorstep of Iran, the more that makes me feel safe. And I want to feel safe, you understand me, Donald, my good man,” said President George W. Bush.

“Yes. I got it,” said Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld knew that the Pentagon would resist pulling back to Kurdistan. What the Pentagon wanted to do was pull out completely. Pulling back to Kurdistan would box the military into a northern province. But he would have meetings, and they would all talk, and the Iraqi question would remain unanswered. At least for the time being.

“The White House needs to be exterminated. We need an exterminator. There are cockroaches in the Oval Office, dammit,” said President George W. Bush as he was looking under the Presidential desk.

Donald Rumsfeld sat in his chair quietly waiting to be dismissed. He wanted to be dismissed. There were things to do. Or, more accurately, not do. It would be another day of not doing anything.

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George Bush And Donald Rumsfeld Prefer Iraqi Chaos to Iraqi Democracy – Part Four

Continued From Yesterday.

“I did not hear you say that. I did not hear you say that,” repeated President Bush.

“What I mean is that we need an organized iron fist in Iraq, and we cannot seem to get the Iraqi security forces, cobbled together from all the factions, to be an organized iron fist,” said Rumsfeld.

“The Sunnis are more secular than the Shiites,” said Bush.

“Yes, but they tend to be more ruthless and do not forget that Al Qaeda is Sunni, not Shia,” said Rumsfeld.

“The Sunnis think of power and the Shia think of their religion. I appreciate both perspectives,” said Bush.

Where was this going, wondered Rumsfeld.

“The meeting I had with Saddam Hussein, what, thirty years ago to see if we could assist in his war with Iran was very civil. A civil conversation. I could talk to Saddam. He was secular in nature, not religious,” said Rumsfeld.

“I don’t want to talk about Saddam Hussein. I want to talk about the Sunni. We need the Sunni to be that iron fist you referred to,” said Bush.

“Yes, possibly,” said Rumsfeld.

“I say we pull our forces back to northern Iraq, to Kurdistan, and let the Sunni and Shia go at it with each other. Like a cockfight,” said Bush.

“That would certainly cause chaos,” said Rumsfeld.

Bush looked back down at the German cockroach. Still there, waiting patiently. The cockroach lived in a world of chaos, thought Bush. There were no rules. Bush could easily raise his black leather shoe and slam it down on the cockroach, ending its life. Chaos. It is everywhere.

“What is wrong with chaos?” asked President George W. Bush.

To Be Continued.

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George Bush And Donald Rumsfeld Prefer Iraqi Chaos to Iraqi Democracy – Part Three

Continued From Yesterday.

“Iraqis are like cockroaches. They want to eat and not be eaten,” said Bush. The light brown cockroach was still at the edge of the Oval Office plush carpet sniffing the oak flooring. Bush knew that light brown cockroaches were German cockroaches. German cockroaches in the White House. Damn, how did that happen.

“Not be eaten?” said Rumsfeld.

“They want to be safe,” said Bush.

“You state the obvious,” said Rumsfeld. Whoops. Rumsfeld knew he betrayed a certain distain for the nearly romper room observations made by the President.

“The obvious is often ignored as too simple to be considered significant,” said Bush.

Yeah. OK. Like that was supposed to be deep. Rumsfeld knew all along that feeling safe was more important than the right to vote in a democratic election, except when a nation spontaneously erupts in one major upheaval that demands democracy, an upheaval so fast that it overwhelms the power structure. The problem with Iraq is that it was not fast and the upheaval came from America, not from within. Before America’s invasion, the Iraqis had settled into some kind of Saddam Hussein status quo where everyone knew their place, kept to themselves and got through the day without being blown up. But Rumsfeld had thought that it was possible to jump start the upheaval, feed it and make it happen. But it didn’t. That was the failure, and he had concluded that it was now too late. Too many people had power and arms, and there were too many factions. The most articulate way to describe it was anarchy.

“To perfectly honest with you, sir, I miss Saddam Hussein,” said Rumsfeld.

To Be Continued.

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George Bush And Donald Rumsfeld Prefer Iraqi Chaos to Iraqi Democracy – Part Two

Continued From Yesterday.

“What?” asked Bush as he remained fixated on the cockroach.

“I said things are not doing well,” said Rumsfeld.

“It all depends on how you look at it,” said Bush.

‘Though I would never admit this in public, I fear that we are on the brink of a civil war,” said Rumsfeld.

“I am going to guess that cockroaches are optimistic. That cockroaches do not see gloom and doom,” said Bush.

“Excuse me?” said Rumsfeld.

Bush looked up at Donald Rumsfeld, who appeared perplexed.

“Cockroaches have a simple view of things. They want to eat, and they do not want to be eaten. That is a lesson for us,” said Bush.

“In what way, sir,” said Rumsfeld. Donald Rumsfeld had had conversations like this before with the President, where Bush would come up with some metaphor or perspective that reminded him at times like the utterances of the character Chauncey Gardiner played by Peter Sellers in the feature film Being There. The only difference is that Chauncey Gardiner had mesmerized the nation though a dimwit, whereas Bush mesmerized no one. But he was President, voted in by idiot Americans who believed that they had a leader to lead them. In fact, what America had was a man who surrounded himself with child care and it was the caregivers that were leading the nation. But this was a child with rich and powerful parents, and so the caregivers had to make nice so the child would not have a temper tantrum.

Bush was looking down again at the floor.

“Sir, in what way do cockroaches provide a lesson for us?” asked Rumsfeld again.

To Be Continued.

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