Henry Ford Is Raised From The Dead

The Ford family was against the idea. The medical profession did not think it could be done. But the Governor of Michigan signed into law the exhumation order which had the gravediggers remove Henry Ford’s body from his grave at the Ford Cemetery in Detroit. The casket was shipped to the Chemistry Department of the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor where something very secret was performed on the body of Henry Ford. The Board of Directors of the Ford Motor Company were in one of the lecture halls in the same building waiting nervously, including Henry Ford’s grandson, who was the current CEO of the Ford Motor Company.

When Henry Ford walked into the lecture hall, he appeared almost green and very frail. His hair was grey and he walked with the help of two assistants. They brought him to the podium which was off to the side. Mr. Ford grabbed the side lips of the podium to steady himself. One of the assistants positioned the microphone near Henry Ford’s mouth. The audience was in shock. How could this be? They were told that Henry Ford could be raised from the dead for only an hour, and that during that time he could probably muster some kind of speech. But the chemists and biologists who had worked on the body were as startled as the audience at how vital the old man was. Afterall, he had died back in 1947 at the age of 83, almost sixty years ago.

Old Henry Ford tapped the mike and it made a loud clack throughout the lecture hall. The Ford family, including all the cousins and great grandchildren, as well as the Board members, were all there. The old man smiled at the thundering clack he made with the tap on the mike. The audience jumped from the noise.

Henry Ford, with his dry cracked lips that had the color of eggplant, leaned into the micorphone. His voice was raspy but bellowed with a deep pitch, stronger than one would expect from a man temporarily raised from the dead. “I am told I do not have much time. So let me keep this short and sweet. You people are idiots. Every goddamn one of you. You have no guts. You have no foresight. You have no vision. You have taken this great company that I built with every bead of sweat in my body and turned it into shit. You have let events control the company rather than the company control events. Why the fuck do my cars still run on gasoline? You are still using the internal combustion engine? That piece of shit is a hundred years old. Do you have a research and development department? Or do you assholes have stock in the oil companies? What? Oh, are you scared of the oil companies? Or are you just fucking lazy? And why the fuck did you turdheads bend over every three years and let the UAW ram anything they wanted up your asses? Don’t get me wrong. I don’t blame my workers. But you know what you jerks taught them? You taught them if they asked for it, you would give it to them. So as far as I am concerned, the UAW was smart. The UAW took care of their members. But you half-brains just sat on your fat asses and let the dividend checks come in without thinking of the future. So I am here to tell you to all go to hell. I am ashamed of what you did to this great company. I am ashamed that you people come from the same gene pool as me.”

At that moment Henry Ford started to cough. The assistants came over to help. Henry Ford pushed them away, holding his index finger up with a gesture that he had one more thing to say.

“Maybe you have one last shot at saving this great company. Maybe. But you are going to have to break some balls and piss a lot of people off and spend a lot of money to do it. Good luck. And try to make me smile when I am lying in my casket. Because recently all I’ve been doing is getting pissed off.”

With that, he turned and walked out slowly with the aide of the two assistants. Everyone in the lecture hall was silent. As silent as a Ford assembyline.

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Britney Spears Hears About Her Blood Test

Britney Spears wore a flowered skirt with wedge shoes. She sat on a nondescript metal chair with a vinyl seat. Britney was alone in a white room with a medical examination table and acountertop replete with medical supplies. The window had venetian blinds that created horizontal slits of the white hot Los Angeles light. Britney held a T-Mobile Sidekick cell phone in her right hand and a pack of Marlboro cigarettes in her left hand. She was tapping the Marlboro pack on her left knee that crossed over her right leg. Britney’s left foot was air tapping with the same beat as theMarlboros. The door opened and in walked Dr. Harriet Schwimmer.

“How are we doing?” asked Dr. Schwimmer.

“We are doing fine,” said Britney Spears.

“Well, not so much. I have your blood and urine tests results here,” said Dr. Schwimmer.

“And there is a problem?” asked Britney.

“Your liver. It is showing signs of fatty tissue,” said Dr. Schwimmer.

“I am starting to aggressively diet,” said Britney.

“Caloric intake is not the issue. It’s the alcohol. The drugs. Or it may be something else,” said Dr. Schwimmer.

“Like what?” asked Britney.

“Well, may I suggest that we clean up our act for a month or two to see if the blood work goes back to normal. And you might want to give up tobacco, Britney,” said Dr.Schwimmer.

“I never heard of cigarettes being bad for the liver,” said Britney.

“They aren’t. But it was not a good thing that you smoked while you were pregnant,” said Dr. Schwimmer.

“Let’s stay on topic. My liver. What did the urine test show?” asked Britney.

“Your kidneys are stressed. Your urine is very dark. You are either dehydrating or your kidneys are struggling. Again, I suggest we change the life style issues before we start down a road of tests,” said Dr.Schwimmer.

“I’m barely drinking. And I don;t really take drugs, OK. So now I am worried,” said Britney.

“Britney, when we took your blood you were drunk. You drove here during the day with a blood alcohol level that was above the legal limit for driving. Focus on that. It was during the day, and you drove to your doctor’s office for a medical checkup and you were drunk,” said Dr.Schwimmer.

“I was not,” said Britney.

“And the file says you were here for a 1:30 PM appointment,” said Dr. Schwimmer.

“I had lunch. It was like a business lunch. I may have had a drink or two,” said Britney.

“And you stink of tobacco. When was the last time you bathed?” asked Dr. Schwimmer.

“What? What is this? Are you my mother?” said Britney as she stood.

“It is typical for alcoholics and drug addicts to eschew personal hygiene,” said Dr. Schwimmer.

“Eschew? I don;t even know what that means? Is that a medical term?’ asked Britney.

“No…”

“Screw this. I don’t need to listen to this stupid lecture. If you think you can have a medical practice here in Beverly Hills and get away with this shit, you’re fucked up. We celebrities don’t take this crap from just any old doctor. So just, so just stick those blood tests up your ass,” said Britney as she opened the door and walked out.

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